who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
