i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
