the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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