the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
