sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i think my cat just said my name.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
