they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can you bring me the toilet please
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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