The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
