I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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