stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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