I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
