Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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