im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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