my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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