I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
