vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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