when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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