I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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