Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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