how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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