it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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