i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
