Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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