anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
