This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
