I just gift wrapped bread.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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