I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
