the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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