Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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