Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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