I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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