There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
