Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't notice because vodka
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
