i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
