Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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