chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
what the fuck happened to the tacos
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
