Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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