i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
