he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
