My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
