Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
