My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
