You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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