Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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