he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
