Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
