I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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