so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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