Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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