so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
