my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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