just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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