i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
