Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
