when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize