There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
