bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
