3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
