I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
