I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
