this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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