i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
