Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
