I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
