A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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